How Assertiveness Can Help with Worry, Anxiety, and Low Mood

Ever agreed to something you didn't really want to do, just to keep the peace? Maybe your partner wants to watch a movie you dislike, or a family member asks for a favour that's really inconvenient. You might find yourself saying yes, even though inside you're feeling resentful or frustrated. Or perhaps you've let someone talk over you in a meeting, then spent the next three days replaying the conversation in the shower, thinking of all the things you should have said as well as worrying about the potential reactions of others. If that sounds familiar, you might need a good dose of assertiveness.

Assertiveness—aka the fine art of standing up for yourself without turning into a jerk—is an underrated life skill. While it’s not a magic fix for anxiety, low mood, or stress, it can help ease them by giving you a sense of control, strengthening your relationships, and helping you express yourself in a way that feels safe and authentic (Speed et al., 2018).

Where Assertiveness Fits into CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) tackles worry, anxiety, and low mood by addressing three key areas: thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. The idea is that these three influence each other—if one changes, the others often follow (Nyberg et al., 2023).

• Thoughts: Challenging unhelpful beliefs or self-talk (e.g., “I can’t speak up because people will get mad at me”).

• Feelings: Learning to notice and manage emotions instead of pushing them down.

• Behaviours: Changing actions that reinforce anxiety or low mood—this is where assertiveness comes in.

Becoming more assertive is about changing behaviours. By acting differently—practising speaking up, setting boundaries, and expressing emotions safely—you start to shift patterns that keep worry, stress, and sadness stuck in place (Speed et al., 2018).

Why Some People Struggle with Assertiveness

If speaking up makes you break out in a nervous sweat, you’re not alone. A lot of people learn early on—sometimes without realising it—that it’s "safer" to keep the peace. Maybe you grew up in a household where rocking the boat led to drama, or you learned that being agreeable got you more approval. Over time, that can turn into a habit of people-pleasing, avoiding conflict, and putting your own needs last (Hill, 2020).

The problem? That bottled-up frustration doesn’t just disappear. It builds up, turning into anxiety, stress, sadness, and the occasional rage-cleaning session when you just can’t deal anymore. Assertiveness helps break that cycle by letting you express yourself in a way that feels balanced and true to who you are (Speed et al., 2018).

How Assertiveness Helps with Anxiety and Low Mood

1. It clears up confusion.
   Half the things we stress over come from miscommunication. If you’re assertive, you say what you mean, and there’s no need to sit around overthinking texts or analysing people’s reactions like you’re solving a murder mystery.

2. It stops you from avoiding tough situations.
   Avoiding problems only makes them worse—like that weird smell in the fridge. If you’re worried about speaking up, dodging the situation will just add to your stress. Assertiveness helps you tackle things head-on, saving you from unnecessary anxiety (and from finding out what’s really in that Tupperware).

3. It lets you express emotions safely.
   A big part of assertiveness is learning how to say what you feel without fear of judgement or backlash. When people suppress their emotions—especially sadness or frustration—it can contribute to feeling stuck or weighed down. Practising assertiveness gives you a way to express what’s on your mind in a way that feels safe and productive (Nyberg et al., 2023).

4. It boosts confidence and self-worth.
   The more you practise assertiveness, the more you realise you can speak up without the world imploding. Over time, this helps build a stronger sense of self-worth and resilience—both of which are protective factors against low mood (Hill, 2020)..

5. It improves relationships.
   Some people worry that being assertive will upset others, but in reality, it strengthens relationships. Being honest and upfront means fewer misunderstandings, less resentment, and stronger connections—whether it’s with your mates, your boss, or your barista who still doesn’t spell your name right (Speed et al., 2018).

How to Be More Assertive (Without Feeling Like a Villain)

If assertiveness doesn’t come naturally, don’t stress—it’s a skill, and like any skill, it gets easier with practice. Here are some ways to start:

• Use “I” statements. Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “I feel frustrated when I’m interrupted.” It keeps things calm and makes it more likely that people will actually hear you (Hill, 2020).

• Set boundaries (and stick to them). If you don’t want to work late or attend that third cousin’s engagement party, say so. No guilt required.

• Practise small wins. Start with low-stakes situations—like sending back the wrong coffee order—before tackling bigger conversations (Speed et al., 2018).

• Channel your inner Aussie bluntness (nicely). Aussies are known for being direct, but there’s a difference between being upfront and being rude. Keep it clear, calm, and respectful.

Final Thoughts

While assertiveness isn’t the only solution for anxiety, stress, or low mood, it plays an important role—especially when approached through a CBT lens. Changing behaviour can influence thoughts and feelings, breaking patterns that keep us stuck (Nyberg et al., 2023).

So next time you catch yourself overthinking a situation, feeling frustrated but saying nothing, or agreeing to something you really don’t want to do, take a deep breath, stand tall, and give assertiveness a go. Future you will thank you for it.

References:

Hill, C. (2020). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25(1), e12216.

Nyberg, J., Boman, L., Carlbring, P., & Johansson, R. (2023). Efficacy of transdiagnostic cognitive-behavioral therapy for increasing assertiveness: A randomized controlled trial. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 96, 102709.

Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (2018). Assertiveness Training: A Forgotten Evidence-Based Treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25(1), e12216.